Phraseology and tone: subtle adaptations to our language and tone can benefit our children greatly. Using declarative language (statements, comments or observations), or rephrasing things to talk about an object rather than a person, and even simple things like starting rather than ending requests with the word ‘please’ can all make a big difference. For instance, when getting ready for school you might say “The clothes are on the bed, I’m happy to help” and then walk away, rather than “You need to get dressed now”; or if your child hasn’t had a drink all day you might just place the drink alongside them and say “Here’s a drink”. Similarly phrases such as “ I wonder whether …” and “ Let’s see if …” and including words that suggest an element of choice, such as “maybe we could …” or “a possible idea could be ….” or “I’m not sure if …” all reduce the perception of demands. Likewise it’s helpful to avoid trigger words like “no”, “don’t” or “can’t”– you can convey the same message using different terminology (e.g. “I’m afraid it’s not possible right now”) and if possible also explain the reason and offer alternatives whilst delivering the message (e.g. “I’m afraid it’s not possible to go to the park right now because there’s a storm, but we can try this afternoon when the forecast is better and in the meantime would you like to bake a cake or watch a film?”). Please see the very practical Declarative Language Handbook for more information and ideas. Clean your room." ➡ "I see that your toys are all over the floor" or "Hmmm...I wonder where the dirty clothes should go." Carrying an object with a favoured scent (eg. candle, soap, pillow or spraying a sleeve or handkerchief) for those who become distressed by unfamiliar or unpleasant smells Declarative Language Handbook: Using a Thoughtful Language Style to Help Kids with Social Learning Challenges Feel Competent, Connected, and Understood by Linda K. Murphy Helps kids develop their own inner voice and how to self-advocate through modeling and self-narration (e.g., "I'm frustrated. I think I need a break." instead of "Please stop doing that!")

Martha Bargmann MS, CCC-SLP Speech Language Pathologist at Massachusetts General Hospital for Children Allowing plenty of time – time is an additional demand, so it’s helpful to build in plenty of time (for instance, setting alarms earlier on a school morning). Always try to plan ahead, anticipate potential challenges and allow some flexibility to accommodate fluctuating anxiety levels. So good. So I wrote down no snark. So basically, no snark, no sarcasm, no passive aggressiveness, I’m assuming that would kind of erase the benefits of the declarative language. So it is about that intention or the energy behind it. I love this example. Because I’m even thinking I often will, I’ll ask, Would you like my help and getting your clothes ready for the laundry? But even now, I’m realizing it is a question that could place a demand. So I might say something instead, like, I’m going to go get my clothes ready for the washing machine? I’m really hoping to get the laundry done today. Is that a declarative statement? Are you okay? And you talk about pacing and the power of a pause? Can you talk about what this might look like, because we may not get the response we want from our kids.Our children may be hyper-sensitive (seeking to avoid the sense) or hypo-sensitive (seeking out more of the sense) to any of the senses listed below: This book was written to teach you how making small shifts in your language and speaking style will produce important results. You will stop telling kids what to do and instead thoughtfully give them information to help them make important discoveries in the moment. These moments build resilience, flexibility, and positive relationships over time. Headphones playing a child’s favourite music or audio book for those who become easily overstimulated by noise and crowded places Validates a child's feelings and experiences (e.g., "I can see that you're frustrated that your sister is using the red crayon. I wonder if we could ask to borrow it when she's done with it." instead of "You're okay, it's just a crayon.") supporting them with the things that they’re interested in rather than trying to impose on them what you feel they should be doing

Look beyond surface behaviours – outward behaviours are just the tip of the iceberg with many contributory factors lying below the surface as explained above. Yeah, that’s great. I mean, I like this idea of low stakes situations, the reminder of not having an agenda. And I know that you also are a fan of Dr. Ross Greene’s work. And that is such a key piece of collaborative problem solving is not having an agenda, what you talk about in the book is that this is really about helping reduce power struggles with our kids, increase their self awareness, and help them be better able to self advocate. So those are the bigger goals as you’ve outlined them in the book. And that’s not about getting the shoes on faster, or getting off screens faster. That is really a zoom out approach, which is again, what we often talk about here at tilt is we’re playing the long game here, this is an overnight fix it flipping a switch. This is building skills over time. So I like this idea of just starting to play with it here and there and not putting this pressure on ourselves or kids that this is going to change everything overnight. Because that’s not the way this works. Meet your learner where they are in each moment, and don’t be afraid to give it a try, no matter where they are at in their language development.

Supporting social communication & interaction

The shift to increased student agency and teachers as coaches is dependent on a new kind of language in the classroom. Declarative language elevates teaching to that new level." Agreeing non-negotiable boundaries – these will vary from household to household and from child to child. For some, the barest minimum of non-negotiable boundaries (such as basic health and safety requirements or those relating to their siblings) may be needed when anxiety is very high, but they may be increased over time. Sharing clear reasons for these boundaries, and agreeing on them together as a family, can help our children to adhere to them. Enforcing these boundaries without exacerbating things may require the use of other helpful approaches (please see next section on reducing the perception of demands).